Keeping silent after an affair

It is very much a living thing, it grows and it can be demanding at times requiring a lot of nourishment and care but over time it develops into something that stands tall, supported by roots that dig down deeper than the foundations of the earth. It has the power to create life and destroy it. it has throughout time been our greatest ally and the most devastating of foes, inspiring some of the greatest minds of our world and ruining others and although we are aware of the dangers that this thing called love can bring we still strive to obtain it, we still desire to touch it choosing to ignore the warnings that we may get hurt. 

 When we get hurt, we need to talk to those close to us and naturally we want to rally our nearest and dearest who we know will give us the support we need. Not saying anything to the people around you is hard work, I can understand why my wife, being the guilty party, would not want to broadcast her affair to our friends and family but occasionally I feel it would be nice to explain to those close to us why I have been down of late.

I have read a few posts, including from therapists, that say to move on you must tell everyone. I have to disagree. Today we have told our parents, mine do not have the full detail but they know enough. My wife’s parents know and her mother at least, knows everything. I do not see what good can come of telling anyone else, we have a fairly large family, I have two sisters, a brother and my wife has a sister. Unless we decide to get divorced and go our separate ways what good can come out of telling them all about the affair?

The first time I met my sister-in-law she was seven years old, I went for diner to meet my wife’s parents and she hid at the top of the stairs and would not come down. She is now twenty-three and we are very close, I am her big brother and regard her as my own little sister. She and my wife have an excellent relationship but she will side with me most of the time and even my mother in law will get me to talk to her when we need to her do something. I can only imagine the devastating effect that telling her about the affair would have, she’s young and quick to judge, and may never forgive her sister for her actions and surely the only person required to find forgiveness in this situation is me? I have no desire to drag those I love into this pit of bitterness to allow each and every one of them to become judge, jury and executioner. I have two older sisters of my own and a younger brother; they are all married with children. They love my wife and they are all very close. If I am to tell the world about this affair exactly how many lives am I going to have a negative effect on? How many family gatherings will be ruined for everyone in the future?

If you are thinking about having an affair, then don’t. If you are not happy with your existing relationship then leave and find someone else later when you are in a better place.

If you chose to ignore such a simple statement remember you could be choosing to ruin more lives than those within your home, the ripples sent out by the stone you will throw will continue growing, disrupting the harmony of everyone who ever opened their heart to you. Family and friends may not be as forgiving as the person you betray and you will be left alone silently wishing that you had put the stone down instead of succumbing to the temptation of throwing it into the water just to see what would happen.

 

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9 thoughts on “Keeping silent after an affair

  1. hiddinsight

    Great post with warning. I agree. We only told a few close friends. Not even my parents know. Neither of us have regretted this choice, but if it were different and he told in rage, there would be much more suffering.

    Reply
    1. inhopeorfoolishness Post author

      I hate the thought of telling everyone, I know it means we live life with secrets and we should be able to tell family anything but it is hard enough without everyone’s “advice” and opinions added into the mix. At the same time the available support network becomes considerably smaller.

      Reply
  2. ishappinesspossible

    I completely agree. My oldest daughters know about the affair having suspected themselves. Right now I am not only trying to win my wife back but also them as they have not really forgiven me. I know this has also affected their school performance as well. If you’ve ever thought of having an affair, as it says here, don’t. If you are struggling in your marriage, go to counselling prior to an affair, not afterwards.

    Reply
    1. inhopeorfoolishness Post author

      Good luck with your daughters, be open with them and I am sure they will come round but you will need to allow them time as well. Affairs ruin lives there is no escaping it but love (especially that for a parent / child) is immense and will endure, regards “I”

      Reply
  3. specklier

    I also felt like it was better to tell fewer people. The downside is that when others in my group of friends have dogs die, etc., everyone rallies around them and it makes me wish I had that kind of support for this. But I just can’t deal with all of the opinions or the chance that some people might not forgive my husband and we lose the friendship. It’s hard.

    Reply
    1. inhopeorfoolishness Post author

      Hello Specklier, Your right we all need to feel the support of others around us at times, unfortunately it is not always possible, remember that people form opinions without all the facts most of the time and the only ones that matter as you move forward are your own.
      Stay well, regards “I”

      Reply
  4. phoenixrisingk

    I wish that I/we had told fewer people. I felt I needed to explain my suicide attempt (bad enough that people knew about that, or that it happened at all). Then people feel they need to take a side or say something negative about your spouse when you’re not sure whether you’re staying or not. Or trying to find reasons why this won’t happen to them, try to identify problems in your marriage, etc. It just makes things awkward. I especially wish my kids didn’t know. My husband told them without me.

    Reply
    1. inhopeorfoolishness Post author

      Hi, people will always feel a need to take sides, it is unfortunately in our nature, it sounds like you found a much darker place than I have with your experience, I hope that things are better in your life today. Stay well. Regards “I”

      Reply

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