Can Love win? Or am I kidding myself
It’s dark in here, somehow it felt better having the lights turned off although the glare of the laptop brightens the room a little and the dim flicker of tea-light candle burning some sweet smelling oil that I can’t put a name to creates an almost relaxing feel to the room.
Maybe relaxation was my intention but I can’t say it is having the desired effect, that might have something to do with having the wrong music on but I do so love listening to bands like the Doors and Pink Floyd, added to this I’m not really sure why I have started writing at all, perhaps finding the solitude within the most populated of places that is the internet is what I was really looking for.
I am writing without thought or planning in a desperate attempt to figure out who I am and what life might hold. You see I am not sure when I lost my wife, I am not sure exactly when it was that she decided that she was no longer happy with what I would sometimes in jest refer to as our little suburban life.
Over the last five years of the fifteen we have been together she has been seeing someone else. Odd that writing the words should make me feel better about the situation. Following a long time of almost certainty without proof I finally I found out about a month ago and since then details have flooded in like a tsunami, washing away without mercy everything from my hopes and dreams to any pre existing self belief, confidence or sense of self.
We have a three year old little boy who is my world, of course the math doesn’t work and the question mark over his biological parentage is clear as day, he feels like my son, and as a lifelong atheist I have found myself praying to god (any of them) that he is, we are also only about nine weeks away from our second child arriving and the same questions hover over the unborn child as over my three year old son.
When I sit down to think about all of this I realise quite quickly that I should be angry, I should be throwing things around and packing her bags before she has the chance to stop me. I should, but I can’t. I know this makes me a weak person, lower down the self respect ladder that a doormat and even I, only a couple of months ago would have given me a good slap and told myself to run away and never look back but I can’t.
I won’t leave the person who I love more than anything in the whole world, she tells me that she wants to make things work and maybe they will, to be honest I can’t see that far ahead and time will tell. I don’t know if writing about it is such a great idea but the only other person willing to listen is the cat and he’s useless. Whatever the future holds and I am able to talk about it before potentially becoming bitter and twisted I would like to state that I love my wife with and would give anything for her happiness, I also love my son more that all the words on the internet could ever express and this will not change regardless to whatever any paternity tests may say in the future and as far as our unborn is concerned, well who knows, should I remain part of the family unit as it stands today he (or She) will have my unconditional love and devotion regardless to biology.
Now the tea-light has finally spluttered out I will sign off in hope that I am doing the right thing in staying because leaving seems so much more sensible.
My sincerest best wishes to anyone planning to put up a fight and not throw in the towel just yet.