I think I have finally lost the plot. I have been sitting here for at least an hour watching the cat, who is in turn watching the goldfish as is his like, the goldfish by the way are the main thing on my mind. I mean do they really only have a memory of a few seconds? Lucky bastards.
My apologies for the language but I never thought I would be envious of a fish, and in truth I’m not but what I wouldn’t give for just half an hour of not remembering, thirty minutes in time where I could allow the person I used to call ‘me’ to come back without all the anger. You see right now I’m angry, this comes and goes which is probably why for the last hour I have been trying to calm down and allowing myself to be distracted by wondering if the cat will ever get lucky and find that we have not put the lid back on the fish tank properly.
There are so many emotions to deal with, but anger is the one that features more often than not, it gets mixed with confusion to a point that the final cocktail is something quite unpalatable, I need to learn to deal with trigger moments and relax, I have accepted what has happened between my wife and her lover (there I said it) but it still makes my whole body freeze when I think of them together. The medication is new and may not really be working just yet, and counselling is booked so it will get better as we carry on.
I try to rationalise the anger to myself, because I don’t really know who or what I am angry about, which of course is a ridiculous situation, after all if I can’t answer either of those things is it really anger I’m feeling in the first place?
I should be angry with my wife for cheating on me, I am to a certain extent but more in a way that fill me with sadness instead of rage, I should be angry with the other man, he is also married with children, but then I think about why I love my wife and part of me can understand why anyone else would love her as well, sometimes I’m angry with myself but in the end I am so confused about why I’m angry that I have calmed down again and I try to keep busy until the next trigger moment comes along.