Remaining busy, Remaining sane

I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks now; not for lack of trying I should add, this is possibly the twentieth or so attempt, maybe this one will make it as far as actually getting published. You see recently I have been finding it very hard to focus on anything at all, my wife and I remain committed to our decision to try to rescue our marriage from the ruins created by her affair, we are talking a lot, she is being honest with me about how she felt for the other man and I am trying to get back to feeling normal again. In pursuit of normality I have needed to get back to work, technically I have not been off at all but as I work away from our office and travel as part of the job it is all too easy to drop off the radar for a few weeks and in recent weeks I didn’t drop of so much as jump. Thankfully I have a very supportive team, and work for an excellent company so it was certainly about time for me to return the faith they put in me and get over to the office for a few days to get back on track. Now our office is actually in the south of France, and this has meant that I have had to go away from home for a few days, an action that in the past of course has only made it easier for my wife to continue her affair. Over the last fourteen days I have been away for seven and to be honest it is killing me, I do not suspect anything is going on right now but I feel very alone and vulnerable which isn’t like me at all, after all I travel to some pretty remote places on my own all the time and have never felt vulnerable once. My Wife and I have been constantly texting each other whilst I have been away, something we never did before, part of me continues to do it because I miss her so much, but I wonder if there is part of me that does it because I know she and the other man would send each other hundreds of texts a month and I am trying to replace or emulate that. My appointment for counselling has finally come around and my first personal session will start tomorrow, the medication (Sertraline) which was given to me by the doctors must be working by now but I still feel empty as if I have lost my sense of purpose, a little like walking into a room and forgetting why but constant.

I will be home tonight, in fact right now I am sitting in the Airport and I know I will feel better once I get there. I want to hold my wife and tell her that we will be ok and that we can survive this, I want her to tell me the same, and of course she will, one day I hope that I can believe the words as easily as say them withought doubt or fear but I guess that will take time.

Regards “I”

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