Some of us are immune to affairs

I’m human, or at least I was before finding out about my wife’s affair, today I think I might just about qualify as walking dead maybe but definitely not quite human. My point is that I do notice the world around me, I do realise when someone is attractive or not and am just as guilty as anyone else when it comes to admitting that I have looked at people in the past and thought, wow your hot.

The difference is, I have never done anything about it because I love my wife, and I defy anyone who truly believes that rubbish spouted around claiming that none of us are immune to having an affair. Some of us are immune to having affairs, some of us actually meant what we said when exchanged vows, and some us will always have to listen to people weaker than they should be trying to justify their actions by quoting rubbish like it could happen to anybody.

Many of my readers, and in fact many who have commented on previous posts are actually people who have committed adultery and not those who are left in the wake of their actions, many are trying to rebuild the relationships and some are happy that they are out of them, I wish the very best of luck to those people trying to rebuild and ask them to try and understand this.

Do not try hiding behind a misguided belief that it could have been anyone because you made a conscious decision to do what you did, and remember that the person with whom you are trying to rebuild a relationship has changed. Part of them has gone and will never return, the part of them that loved so freely and so unconditionally, without fear of consequence has died. Buried in a silent service without ceremony in the back of their mind. Remember that to be forgiven for your actions only demonstrates how much you are loved and if you are capable of only one thing in the future let it be truth.

I wonder why I can hate the other man so much and yet am willing to forgive my wife. Surely this is hypocritical of me and they should both be forgiven equally but it just isn’t like that. I will always hate him for taking everything I hold dear and I can only forgive my wife because love has deeper foundations than hate and can withstand the siege, but whilst I still continue to love my wife it will never be as it once was, it will never be without fear.

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13 thoughts on “Some of us are immune to affairs

  1. Powerful post. And, of course it is true, having an affair is not like catching a cold. Deliberate decisions are made. Compromises are made. To understand the other side, and how anyone could possibly say, “it could happen to anyone” is not something you have to do…EVER. The reason I have used that phrase is because he was just a friend. The compromises were small and not deliberate. I was never attracted to him and thought that our conversations were only as friends. I never intended to break my vows. The infatuation came on suddenly like a slap across the face, and I didn’t know what to do. At that point, I should have realized I could and should tell my husband. But the guilt and shock that I had feelings for another man overwhelmed me. Some of the thoughts I had at the time were, “Does this mean I have already broken my vows?” and “If I am capable of this than maybe something is wrong in my marriage…” I desperately wanted to break off our relationship so that we could both go back to working on our marriages. At that point, I would have been successful if he would have left me alone. But he didn’t. He used my emotions and manipulated me until I was spinning. Do I blame him? Yes, sometimes . My husband does too. It’s not like I didn’t try. But it had NEVER happened to me before, and I didn’t know what to do. I do now. So I blog because maybe some people are in that stage where they find themselves attracted to someone else. Tell your spouse. You are human and the guilt will get worse if you try to hide it, cover it up. That was my second biggest mistake. A mistake that I chose to make. It was deliberate. But I was lost. Isolated now by my inner torment, and reeling from the sky as the questions pummelled me like flying into a flock of birds. Choice, yes. But I respectfully disagree that it couldn’t happen to anyone (my affair was emotional). There are too many variables in life that hit you from the side…you can’t plan everything. Having just said that, I have a lot of respect for you…and I believe you (as much as I can while simultaneously disagreeing).

    1. “Buried in a silent service without ceremony in the back of their mind. Remember that to be forgiven for your actions only demonstrates how much you are loved and if you are capable of only one thing in the future let it be truth.” This is such a profound statement. So very true. Thank you for posting this.

      1. Thank you for your comment, I actually almost didn’t post it as when I read it back it out loud it seemed a little dramatic, but it is true to how I was feeling in the moment, regards “I”

    2. Thank you for commenting, and indeed disagreeing, life would be dull if we all had the same opinion. If I touched a nerve with the post please realise it wasn’t directed at anyone specific and really a general rant, I really do appreciate the honesty in your comments, I think that maybe we could agree that you cannot control who you form an emotional attachment to. The rest I guess is up for debate. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of happiness. Regards “I”

      1. Thanks for saying that 🙂 I was really hoping it didn’t come across argumentative. It didn’t strike a “chord” per se, I just thought I’d mention that I wish I had known then what I know now. I use my blog to really push this idea because I don’t want people to be stupid like I was…thinking it would never happen to them, yet still making careless compromises. It’s just my topic. I really hope that things continue to heal for you and your wife.

  2. Wonderful post. I really do feel for you; it’s terrible what you have to go through and you’re strong for being able to push through while still working on your relationship with your wife. But I will say that you forgiving your wife and not the “other man” is very hypocritical. I always find it funny when people do that, as if the affair partner owed some sort of loyalty to them or exchanged vows with them. You can be angry with them-that is an absolute given. But to hate them as if they single handily caused the affair is odd to me. And he didn’t TAKE anything; your wife GAVE him all those things…

    1. Hi Ms Marie,
      Your right, I wish it wasn’t the case but my wife did give away as much as he took I don’t try to convince myself otherwise. I ask have asked myself why I can forgive one and not the other, maybe it is because I want to believe in my wife, maybe it is because having loved for so many years I can balance the good and bad out and maybe it is because to move forward I need to forgive her but not him. Sorry that is not much of an answer , thanks for your comment , with regards “I”

  3. And btw: many of us are in fact immune to having an affair-you are absolutely right about that. I can’t stand when someone says everyone has the potential to cheat. That’s just not true. Not at all. It’s absolutely impossible for me and I can say that with 100% certainty. Just like not everyone has it in them to kill. And yes, I am comparing the two…

    1. Don’t worry about it, I never took it badly, and we are talking about a topic that has affected us all in a very different and personal way so if you want to snap go ahead , after all if I can forgive my wife for an affair you will probably find I can forgive someone thier opinion, thank you for your comments , and the honesty of them , stay well regards “I”

  4. I found this so powerful and moving. I, too, harbor so much resentment toward the AP and yet, I’ve forgiven my husband (most of the time, I think). She pursued him, but he hesitated very little in taking the bait.

    1. Hello pheonixrisingk, thank you for your comment, it’s good that you have forgiven your husband it will help you move on, I understand why you would say sometimes as there are moments when I just want to shout out “No, why the hell should I forgive you, get out of my sight” but the moment passes very quickly normally and it would be a backwards step, so I keep those thoughts to myself
      Stay well, regards “I”

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