I live and work in a very black and white world, I work with chemists and manufacturing plants where things either work or they don’t and when they don’t we simply find a way to make them work again and get on with the rest of our lives, there is zero emotion involved and therefore it is all very simple. I approach my private life with very much the same attitude, good or bad, broken or fixed, happy or sad etc, essentially simplifying everything down to the core and deciding what to do next and then I move on, these decisions are normally made very quickly normally without hours (or days) of contemplation, they are not necessarily correct every time but when they are wrong I don’t dwell on the mistake I simply don’t do it again.
Yesterday, a fellow blogger in a similar state of uncertainty and heartbreak to me commented on one of my posts wishing they had the same clarity as I do about the situation we find ourselves in. This made me stop and think about things a little and I asked myself, do I really have such clarity?
It took me a while, and if I’m honest a second glass on wine, to figure out the answer which in itself would suggest that maybe things are not so clear after all but eventually I came to the following conclusions;
1) I know with absolute clarity I love my wife, I always have and will regardless to what happens to us in the future
2) I love my son and the baby due next month, and will do so regardless to the outcome of paternity tests
3) I can forgive my wife, but should anything ever happen again I will leave
4) My wife’s affair has left me feeling angry, without sense of self-worth and insecure but the overwhelming feeling is sadness
5) I will get better, but accept that I have changed as a person, for better or worse? Who knows
6) Medication has helped me, although it’s not for everyone and is not a fix to all the problems
7) There are no guarantees
So, having drank two glasses of wine and written a very crude list of what the situation is I asked myself again if I really have the clarity that our fellow blogger desired, a simple answer I guess is not yet, but I will. I know what I want, which is maybe all the clarity I need, I don’t know if it can be achieved but then I guess none of us do and all the self-help, therapy, medication and blogging won’t answer that, I realise that I am occasionally going to have bad moments or even whole days but I will stand up with my head held high to stare into the oncoming storm, I will do this because I chose to, and if I fail my head will not drop and I will be proud of myself for putting up a good fight.
If anyone is searching for clarity in life, first I think we have to accept that sometimes there isn’t any and then we have to decide where we want to be. Only then can we really start to improve and have an impact on our own well-being.
Warm regards and my thanks to fellow blogger emilylonging for inspiring the post