It took about ten minutes today, not too bad, it often takes more but I can live with ten minutes. Removing the weight pushing down on my chest when I first wake up seems to be a routine I go though before being able to get out of bed and get on with life. I have often heard about how the infliction of physical pain can cause an emotional hurt but it still seems strange to me that when reversed emotional pain can cause such a physical effect.
I have tried to rationalise it, I am a rational person most of the time (at least I try to be) but I just don’t understand how thoughts and feelings can create such physical pain, I almost expect to see scars running down my body but of course I can’t the damage is not on the surface, there is no wound for the eye to see.
Many of my readers (hello by the way) have had, or even been the cause of similar feelings, and reading over their posts can be a comforting thing, seeing how others are healing, seeing how, for some at least, the scars are fading from sight if not from memory. Sadly at the same time many people have not yet healed, myself included, but we are split into those who have decided what our goals are and those who are not yet sure if they should follow their head or their heart, I wish these the best, without offer of advice as I have none better than the advice they can offer themselves. I believe that they (and I) write about our feelings to try to put them into some sort of order, the feedback from others can also help because ultimately what we are trying to do is try to explain to our loved one how we are feeling and what we need from them.
My wife will ask me what she can do to make me feel better, she will say that she wants to take the pain away and help me recover. I believe her, I have to, but my answer is normally the same.
“From today offer me no guarantees of lifelong commitment, do not promise me we will be happy forever because we have proved to each other that such vows can be broken and do not punish yourself any further. Simply promise me that you will try to be happy in life and be honest with me at all times, for me this will be enough to find happiness again because if you do this I will know you do it willingly and not out of a sense of shame or regret, and if nothing else is clear right now let it be enough to know that I will always love you”
I accept I will never know how she feels today about her actions, and I will never know how she felt leading up to the affair, equally she will never truly know the extent of the devastation it caused or the fear created upon discovering the dark part of my mind I never knew existed for the only way for that to happen would be for her to feel what I feel and I wouldn’t wish that on any living soul.
Stay well, good luck in your struggles one and all