It was inevitable that I was going to have to get back into work sooner or later, I mean for the last couple of months apart from a couple of trips to the office in France I have managed to avoid really throwing myself into work for more than a few days at a time but of course Christmas is here and as a sales rep that means it is time to put fill the car up with all the normal company branded merchandise you would expect such as calendars, clothing, wine etc. So at five O’clock this morning it was time for me to go off on a week’s tour of the UK to play at being Father Christmas, the only problem is that Father Christmas of course is generally known for being a old, a little bit fat due to a love of mince pies and overall a very jolly chap where as I by comparison am only in my thirties, I can’t stand mice pies and I am most certainly not feeling at all jolly at the moment.
Thirty minutes into my drive towards the south coast this morning I realised it was going to be a long day, not only had I decided without a lot of deliberation that five O’clock in the morning is not a reasonable time to start work but I had also realised that spending the next few days smiling away and pretending that life was just peachy to everyone was going to be considerably hard work.
I know that my last few posts have all been about how I believe that my wife and I can survive her affair but just because I am feeling positive about the future it doesn’t necessarily mean I am feeling good about the present, I am struggling with the daily power struggle that I have to endure against the opposing forces of love and anger, two emotions that can’t meet, no matter what. These things must be kept apart at all costs because love if mixed with too much hate could end up beyond repair.
So at the end of day one, I find myself once again in a hotel room, the bed is too big, the other side of the bed is empty and cold and the room is silent missing the comforting sounds provided by the noise of a loved one sleeping within arm’s reach. I’m missing my wife and at the same time reminded of all those times I would travel assuming she felt the same and the power struggle continues into the night