I thought as it was four months to the day that I finally discovered proof about my wife’s affair that I should sit down and write, if for no other reason to compare the results with what I wrote the first time when I started this blog, so without a “plan” as such for this post here it goes.
OK lets, recap, those of you who have been following so far will be aware that my wife was having an affair for the last five years of the fifteen we have been together, you will also know that we now have two children, a son of three years and our little girl who is not even a month old. You will also know that once I found out about the affair it ended, I forgave her, we decided to make a go of things and we plan to have some counselling together and of course at some point we will have to do a paternity test with the children, and for those of you who have not been following until now (welcome by the way) that short and lets face it, very blunt, paragraph should bring you up to speed.
So how are things going? to be honest it is hard to say, I have had the medication (sertraline) increased a little in dosage as it wasn’t enough to take the edge of things completely and sleep comes fitfully, but then with a new born in the house I guess I should be grateful for any sleep at all. My wife is desperately trying to be “a good wife” all be it five years to late and I am quite conscious of the fact that she has just had a baby and whilst we have a thousand things to discuss now is probably not the time to do it.
So this leaves me floating in limbo somewhat, unwilling to push to hard on the work needed for our own reconciliation as it is only right that the needs of the mother and baby come first, and unable to improve my state of mind until those matters can be addressed.
I hear many people say, it happened, it ended, you forgave so get on with it and I wish it were so simple.
I held our daughter the other day as she slept in my arms, apart from her face only a little hand could be seen poking out from the pink blanket she had been swaddled in, my wife looked at me and said “I wish you could smile when you look at her” which made me sad as I hadn’t released I wasn’t smiling.
later on that day as I thought about what my wife had said I was sat down having a coffee looking back in my head at everything that has been going on recently and I asked myself, When exactly did I last smile? When I started this blog I also had a page dedicated to things that would make me smile, and subsequently stopped posting on it, I used to laugh a lot, I used to think I was funny (don’t we all) but as I sat there I could not for the life of me remember happiness or fun, and as for when I last smiled? well I don’t know. Suddenly a little light sparked into life in my head, this surely is the problem, this is the point I think I have been missing all along,
You see I don’t think our future as a couple and as a family is about my ability to forgive, forget or accept, I don’t think it is about my wife deciding to stay and remaining faithful in the future and it isn’t about the medication, therapy or the ever growing self help books. What our future will depend upon is whether I (and my wife) can be happy again. the rest is irrelevant, to forgive without finding happiness at the end is nice of course but serves no real purpose, and you could argue that someone who remained with the partner and was happy but had not forgiven would in fact be better off. So seeing as we have all done our best to define “love” , “fidelity” , and “healing” to no avail perhaps I will try moving onto thinking more about happiness instead.
So there you are, my latest update, un checked as normal (i only change my mind about posting it all otherwise) and unedited (sorry about all the spelling mistakes) and somehow we even ended up with a little message at the same time, off you go now, go out there and find some happiness, all be it for five minutes but do it today.
P.S , I have developed a chocolate addiction, no seriously, I don’t even like chocolate but am at present getting through at least ten bars a day, I have eaten two whilst posting this, explain that one bloggers