Once upon a time a while ago now, in a time forgotten by most but alas not by me, a fellow blogger commented to say that they wished they had the “clarity” I did in one of my posts. In fact, enthused by such feedback I actually wrote a post about it. Don’t worry I am not expecting you to remember, it was after all some time back and hardly a piece worthy of a booker prize nomination.
The reason that all these months later I bring this up is because I am trying to find the “clarity” that I supposedly once had. At the time I think it was back in November last year I had recently found out about my wife’s affair with a work colleague that had been going on for some five years (and yes I know what you’re thinking. How the hell didn’t I notice for such a long time, but that’s a story for another day). Back then I was hurting of course, but I knew with absolute certainty that I wanted to stay with my wife, she said she wanted to be with me and we decided to move on….
Fast forward to today….
Ok so it has only been six months. Not a long time by most people’s standards but history will tell us that kingdoms have fallen in shorter periods and twenty first century life waits for no one it would appears, so six months since I posted about my clear vision of the future and how I would expect to feel after such a time. Back then I suggested, no, not suggested, more like stated, and let’s not be coy about this I stated with absolute conviction that I would, within the passing of only half a year, feel better. I would feel like me, and I knew, yes knew not hoped, that I would have my life back.
So, have I?
Of course not, what the hell was I thinking. How on earth could I possibly expect to have crossed unscathed through the briar patch that my wife tendered with such care for so many years in such a short space of time. Even now it remains full of tangled weeds with deep set roots given strength by the years of nourishment obtained by a constant diet of lies and deceit. The thorns, sharp as razors still cry out, they crave fresh wounds and they know that they can, if given the chance, drain away the very life blood of the unsuspecting victim who didn’t see the darkness approaching.
So where am I now? I am not so sure, time passes so slowly it feels like the air is made of treacle making each step forward an effort so great that I start to question the sense behind such a struggle but still I force one foot in front of the last. Occasionally I think I see a glimmer of light shining through the briar, more often than not it is just my mind playing a trick on me but I turn towards it just in case, this could be the end I was fighting for. Alas once again the briar rises up in front of me to block the way to what I now know must be where I want to be heading, it doesn’t really matter where it is any more, anywhere will do, anywhere out of this constant battle against the world that surrounds me. Once more I take a deep breath and prepare again to do battle, looking down I see my arsenal with which to fight back is depleting, in one hand “hope” remains, dented, a little blunt but solid as the day it was first forged, in the other “defiance” has stood up well considering the onslaught, I forget what happened to “love” such a powerful weapon to bring to the foray but regretfully it lays out of reach with “confidence” and “belief” all ripped from my hands by the vicious savagery of the briar. Perhaps if I could fight my way back to them I could force the wall of thorns into submission and escape, but first another assault to get through, survival first, victory will have to wait for now, but not forever.