Just a letter

My darling Wife,

I am sure it was never your intent, but the result remains the same due to your choices and actions over the last few years.  There was a period of time, a few months or so that I thought we would come through this as a stronger couple, like the ones you read about in gossip columns or glossy magazines. All I can say with regards to those who survived infidelity or indeed those who continue to fight against its affects is that their strength of mind must be something to rival the hanging gardens as a wonder in the world for their strength is far greater than mine and far greater than I had expected to be necessary. So, whilst I still like to believe that you didn’t mean to do so, you have quite simply, broken me.  You’re efforts throughout the last year to repair the damage done is indeed commendable and no doubt done through love but as I start to realise the actual impact of your affair I regret that I do not see a way back. There are just too many pieces that just no longer fit together as they once did.

As you know I have never been a spiritual person, preferring to leave concepts such as religion and similar beliefs to those more open minded to what they have to offer. I guess I have therefore never thought about my “soul” before now. I am still not certain what this might be or indeed its purpose in life, what I know for sure is that everyone will have an opinion with regards to its definition and so I will simply say that for me, my soul, was the life force of the love I had for you, my wife.

Today I still love you with all my heart, body and mind because all of these things can heal, they can all adapt, endure and in time prosper but my soul, the very unseen essence of why I love you has gone, it can’t come back, I think it’s only role in life was to belong to you and you alone and now it can be no more as sadly it would appear that a soul may be cleansed if tarnished but never revived.

You are quite literally the love of my life, we have been together throughout all our adult years, sharing everything through hard times and laughing together during the good, through no more than holding hands we have seen our way through family births, marriages and sadly deaths but your hand was ever there taking the need for words away, your hand was always there when I felt alone as was mine when you needed support and your hand bears the ring I gave you when we married before everyone we hold dear in our lives and promised that forsaking all other we would be faithful to each other.

I do not hate you for what has happened, but I am full of hate, full of anger but more than anything else I am full of sadness that when you turned away I lost more than a wife and lover, I lost what made me who I am and what I wanted to be for the rest of my life.  Maybe one day you will understand yourself what led you away, whether it was unhappiness at your choices in life or something else entirely, I hope you do, regardless to that leading to telling me as I do not believe that you know yourself.  I understand that you are sorry for what you have done and that you want to make things work and ironically whilst that is all I ever wanted I don’t think we can survive this period in life as a couple.

Of course we come onto the children, both sleeping upstairs blissfully unaware of what is going on between us. You are a wonderful mother and regardless to paternity tests I will be the best father I can for them both who are the world to me, they are enough to make me stay, they are enough to make me play along with the merry tune life has in store but we both know that staying for the sake of the children is wrong and eventually we will resent each other for it so let us agree to keep them shielded from any exposure as much as possible whilst they are so small and we will both do everything we can to make them happy, I do not ask this of you, I don’t need to, you would do that as naturally as breathing, I just ask you to understand that if i can’t stay I will be there for them.

 Now I have said my part all that remains is to show you this letter, maybe you will never see it, maybe it was just a means to get everything clear in my head before we have the conversation that seems to be unavoidable and maybe I have to find the courage to let you read it.

 

My love as always

 

X

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Just a letter

  1. its interesting you say that about others who have survived… im fairly certain, given the sentiments of the many of us who are in it right now, that they went through the exact same process as we are… many who have written books about it after the event seem only to touch very lightly on the devastation and the turmoil… to me this says… that eventually it goes away, eventually you get over it….eventually… it doesnt matter… so much?

  2. The devastation is definitely something that just is not understood until you’ve been there. Then, it’s just indescribable.

    My hope is that in time, though you won’t forget, that you will be able to heal enough to a point that you will feel some joy again.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s