I miss my wife, I miss being in love. For a while after her affair I filled one of the voids that loneliness created by writing this blog and reading those posted by others.
Sometimes it helped but looking back I think it did more harm than good, encouraging an obsessive thought pattern but I did find support among the community here online and maybe that was the point.
My last post was an age ago, since then I have tried with all my heart to fix our marriage, my wife for her part has done the same and you would think that with two people trying to make a relationship work that it can only end in success but love (and effort) are not always enough.
I have with great sadness come to realise that ultimately we will be happier going our own separate ways.
People who once followed my blog , during the time I used to keep it up to date , will remember perhaps that we have two very small children and i thought for a while that they would be enough to keep us together. Whilst it breaks my heart to say it I will be a better father to them by leaving than remaining in the family home in a state of ever growing depression.
A month ago I told my wife that I was not prepared to try anymore , I called her mother round so she had some support and explained to them both that all I want is to walk away to rebuild my life and have the chance to maintain my relationship with the children.
Telling my wife I was leaving despite all promises made and enduring the heartaches of the last two years made me feel like I was the one at fault. I saw in her eyes for the first time the recognition of her actions , for the first time I could see she was hurt and to see her hurt like that was like a punch to the stomach. I recognised the glossing over of her eyes, the slightest stagger that she recovered from quickly hoping I didn’t notice, I recognised these signs from the time my own heart finally broke. Once she regained her composure she looked at me and said,
I think I just felt a tiny part of the pain you are living with and I’m sorry
With those words I knew we had both reached a point of not going back and that our sixteen years together had ended.
A type of love still exists, maybe created through not wanting to hate any more but I no longer want to be with her and more to the point I no longer want or need her love returned ,if indeed before this moment it ever was .
I look forward now to moving on, leaving my wife behind, concentrating my efforts on my children (regardless to paternity tests) and embracing my own life instead of living with the fear that has stopped me leaving to date.
And with that I guess this blog has run its course, it has served as a distraction, an addiction, a source of strength and of sorrow but most importantly when at my most isolated and lonely it offered a place to find kind words from the mouths of strangers, words which will remain with me and help mold the new part of my life so thank you all.
For those of you yet to make your own decision don’t worry, when you do it will be with such clarity you will wonder what kept you. In the meantime survive best you can and try to defeat “hate” more often than it does you .
Stay well , regards “I”